Yesterday was my review at work, I cried of course because I had to think about 'the future'. Whenever someone asks me what I want to do with my life I immediately get this massive lump in my throat like I've tried to swallow too much food, my voice goes all wobbly and I just go "I er.. well.. I don't know" Not because I have nothing I want to do, I have ambition. Motivation is where I fall down. I want to do everything that I am good at.
There is a passage in The Bell Jar where Esther describes her options as avocados on different branches on a tree. Now being The Bell Jar it then goes down a wholly depressing route of the avocados rotting and falling off. This isn't how I feel, because largely Plath was Not A Happy Lady and I generally am. But I think the imagery is good for how I feel about 'the future'.
The conclusion was I should do what I really love and get into working with museums and archives and all that deliciousness that I adore. But not before my manager got me weeping. I will though, Luck brought me into contact today with the person who can help.
Due to the unexpected influence of the poetess the little bit of me that got killed by writing for my degree has pricked her ears up again and I want to write for enjoyment once more.
On New Years Day I wrote a facebook status which evolved into a full post about perfume and memory. Mainly due to feeling rather reflective about love and people I have been in love with (and continue to be in one case, it's no secret) I wore a perfume that sent me into a whole reverie, like the madeleine cake in Proust I could recall everything about the feeling and memories connected with that fragrance. It was pretty intense and I felt utterly daft about it for days. But in the same way it made me brave, being made to remember all the sweet things meant I was brave about him for the first time in months. More of that some other time I'm sure.
So I am talking to the poetess about religion, this is always an interesting point for me. Not because I have fully thought out views but because my ideas are unfixed and flowing - generally I was raised as a Methodist but I actually have no faith in an organised religion type of way. I think I believe that the world believes in me and I don't need more than that. I know that in some way or other I am destined for greatness, but I think everyone deep down feels like that and it's probably just part of the human condition? If being human is a condition. Perhaps it is, maybe you catch being human like people catch the common cold? Little kids have no concept of 'being human' they catch it at some point as they grow.
This post isn't going to come to any sort of conclusion, they probably never will. I'm not a conclusions sort of person.